32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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