I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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