Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize