her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
