Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
