I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
