Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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