I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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