Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
