Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
tell me about the eggs
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
