she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
