The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
