i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
