no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
