I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
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