ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
