my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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