thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
