we have officially mastered the walk of shame
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
