my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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