Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
