this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
