Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
