I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
