I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
