If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
