so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
