Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
