FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
