I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
