so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
