Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
