yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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