Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
