I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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