Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sorry about my life...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
