found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
