Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
