I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i out mim tonsoeep
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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