this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
