Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
