When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
