I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
