It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
