cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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