I love black thongs
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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