just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
