I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
