i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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