so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
