There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
